


it takes a while to get it right

by singnomore



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-16 22:01:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4641774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/singnomore/pseuds/singnomore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>how Ronan finally got to being happy with kissing and being kissed</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. realisation

Ronan sits with his face toward the sun, stubby 8-year-old fingers picking at the grass beneath them, chest rising and falling from racing with Roseanna. The glare of the sun on her golden hair catches his eye; he turns to her to see her looking at him, she clumsily reaches over to his hand and places a sticky kiss on the back of it, a wide grin painted across her face. Before he knows what to do, she’s using that hand to tug him up and make him follow her back inside her house.

“You better not be treading mud into my house Roseanna Louise Major,” Ms. Major calls out from the kitchen, the tone of her voice showing that she already knows that they have.

Roseanna lifts a finger to her lips as Ronan giggles at the footprints on the rug behind them. “’Course not, Mama.” Out of some respect for the rest of the floor in the house, and her mother’s sanity, she kicks her shoes off into a corner and Ronan follows her lead.  They eagerly run into the kitchen, hungry after their afternoon adventures.

“Hey! Watch out you little terrors, I don’t feel like taking a trip anytime soon,” Ms. Major said, trying to move around the kitchen without bumping into a small body.

“Sorry Ms Major,” Ronan half-heartedly replies, more intent on his and Roseanna’s investigation into what’s cooking in the oven.

“Ronan, honey, I’d love to have you stay for dinner but your Mom said she’d be coming by to pick you up soon; said she had a surprise for you!” The sound of her knife against the chopping board didn’t undercut the sincerity in her words.

Sure enough, five minutes later, a knock came at the door and Ronan knew before it was open that it was his mom, knew by the way that just her presence made everything feel infinitely calmer.

“Aurora, love,” Ms Jones says as she pulls Aurora into a one-armed hug, her other hand still holding the kitchen knife.

“Hi Darcie,” Aurora returns the hug, “hello sweetheart,” she says as she bends down to scoop Ronan into her arms.

“What’s my surprise?” Ronan asks excitedly, unable to curb the curiosity that comes with being a little kid.

“Well it wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you, would it?” She whispers, resting a hand on top of his head. “Could you go and put your shoes on, please.”

Ronan leans into the warmth of his mother’s hand before turning into the living room to get his shoes; Roseanna is already waiting with them in her hand. She hands them over to him and watches whilst he sticks the Velcro into place.

“I’m going home now, bye!” He says, his hand rising to wave at her.

“Bye Ronan,” Roseanna says before she places a small peck on his cheek, the same grin before on her face again.

Twice. She had kissed him twice. Why? His excitement about his surprise overtakes his curiosity and he runs back to his mom.

“Ready to go?” His mother asks, looking down at him with eyes the exact blue of his.

He nods and goes to stand by his mom’s car as she says her goodbyes to Ms. Major. He wonders what his surprise is. He wonders why Roseanna kept kissing him. He wonders what was for dinner. Aurora comes over to the car, opening the door and helping Ronan into the backseat.

“Mom?” He asks, quieter than his usual voice.

 Aurora closes the door and gets in the driver’s seat before answering, “yes, love?”

“Why do you kiss dad?” His mind went back to the grin on Roseanna’s face and the feel of her lips on his skin. He was confused; he hadn’t seen any of his other friends kiss each other. His mother started the engine and pulled out into the road.

“Because I love him and I want him to know that I love him.” She answers through a content smile. “Why’d you ask?” The trees passing the windows cast a green shadow across her soft features, making her look like she was one with them.

Ronan doesn’t love Roseanna, she’s  his best friend. He loves her like he loves Matthew. Why would she think he loved her like his mother loves his father? Why doesn’t Ronan love her like that?

“Roseanna kissed me. I don’t know why. I don’t want to kiss her.” Ronan’s small face is scrunched up in frustration. Aurora simply laughs in her light, lilting way, and looks at him through the rear-view mirror with unending love in her eyes.

Ronan sits for five minutes thinking about Roseanna, thinking about kissing her, thinking about why he didn’t want to kiss her. But then the driveway to his home comes into view and all thoughts of Roseanna leave his mind; afternoon sun reflects off the polished black paint of his father’s car, parked in the space that had been empty for the past two weeks. Ronan’s face breaks out into an excited smile, pushing his chubby cheeks up to the corners of his eyes.

This is the best surprise he’d had in ages.

/ / /

Ronan sits at his kitchen table, rolling a pencil between his long twelve-year-old fingers, all attention taken away from the homework in front of him in order to look at Roseanna.

Roseanna sits opposite him, fingers tapping out the beat of the song playing on the radio. He’d taken to watching Roseanna when she wasn’t looking at him, trying to figure what she was thinking, what she wanted. In fact, he’d taken to doing it with most people since he realised a few years back that maybe he didn’t understand his friends as well as he thought, realised he needed to pay more attention.

She looks up and smiles at him. He smiles back. Her hair was getting darker every week, slowly becoming the brown that Ronan saw on Ms Major.

“What are you looking at?” She asks self-consciously. Or maybe she’s flirting. She’s been different the past few months. Ronan wonders if it’s something to do with the loss of his baby fat, the growing prominence of his features. Ronan wonders if she’s still in love with him. He hopes not.

“Nothing, just spaced out. This is so boring,” he looks down at the math homework in front of him, “I need a snack. Want anything?” His chair scrapes across the tiles as he walks over to the fridge, catching the reflection of Roseanna getting up and walking over in the metal of the door.  He closes his eyes and hopes that what he thinks is going to happen doesn’t.

He turns around and Roseanna is too close. Her sweet perfume fills his nose, making him feel a little sick. He knows it’s going to happen, can see it in the way her mouth turns into a grin. She leans in but this time it’s not towards his cheek, her eyes are set on his lips. He can’t.

“Please don’t.” He says softly, hoping he isn’t going to hurt her feelings. He loves her, he does. He just doesn’t want to kiss her.

She pulls her head back so fast he’s sure she’s hurt her neck. But the hurt shows in her eyes. She walks backwards until she hits the kitchen island.

“What the hell, Ronan? What the hell’s wrong with you?” Her voice is a mixture of disbelief and wounded pride.

What’s wrong with him? Why can’t he just do this and make her happy?

He walks forward and rests his mouth on her mouth. It doesn’t feel like what he thought a kiss would feel like, there’s no feeling in his chest or stomach, not like what people had said would happen. He just felt her chapped lips against his bitten ones. He pulls away when he feels like it’s been the length of time he’s seen people kiss for.

Roseanna just stares at him, trying to understand what he’s thinking. He recognises the expression; he sees it whenever he looks in the mirror.

“Jesus, Ronan! I don’t want a pity kiss! You’re always _staring_ at me, you let me _kiss_ your cheek, hold _your_ hand and yet when I _try_ to kiss you properly you tell me not to? Whatever game you’re playing with me I don’t like it and it hurts my feelings.” Her teenage angst mingles with her teenage whinging.

“You’re my friend! I wanted to do what made you happy.” He tells the truth, he feels that’s important right now.

“Oh my God, Ronan! So you never even _wanted_ to do those things? Well that makes me feel like a huge idiot,” he sees the embarrassment wash over her before she turns away from him. “I bet everyone’s laughing at me. I can never go back to school. Never, ever again. Jesus.” She looks back at him, tears threatening to spill and smudge her blue eyeshadow.

“You really don’t want to kiss me?” Her voice wobbles. He shakes his head, gaze on his socks.

 “I’m the prettiest girl in school, Ronan. All the boys want to kiss me!” She studies him, trying to gauge his reaction but Ronan makes sure his gaze never meets hers.

“Why have you never wanted to kiss any girls? Why haven’t you ever asked me about girls that you like, Ronan?” Dawning realisation now starts to wash away her embarrassment.

He doesn’t know what it is she’s realising. Maybe he does. He doesn’t want to think about it. He wants to leave; he wants to run away to the forest around his house, sink into the mud and only feel the world around him, not what he feels inside.

Roseanna wipes her eyes on the backs of her hands, not caring for the blue smeared across them. “Ronan? Maybe . . . Maybe you’re like, um, I dunno like . . . gay or something?” The word gay sounds like she meant to say _ill_ or _wrong._ He’s done. He brings his eyes to look into hers.

“I want you to leave.” He doesn’t need to raise his voice; the harshness of the words as he bites them out has the same effect.

“Look, I'm sure you can get someone to help you -”

“Go.”

“Screw you, Ronan.” She stomps over to the table and scoops her stuff into her arms before storming to the front door to pull her shoes on.

The door slams shut and Ronan sinks to the floor. His mind goes blank as he stares at the patterns in the cupboard doors opposite him.

“What the fuck are you doing? Get out my way.” Declan pushes past him to fill his glass with water.

Ronan gets up and slowly walks to his room. He locks the door and falls onto his bed, pulling his headphones over his ears and turning his music up as loud as it can go.

He can’t let his mind wander; can’t let it look inside his head and figure out what he’s feeling, can’t think about the guilt that rolled through him when Roseanna called him _that_ word.  So he doesn’t.

/ / /

Ronan’s fourteen-year-old fingers ache to wrap around Isaac’s. They’re sat in the movie theatre, Ronan paying more attention to Isaac than the movie playing; looking under the shapes projected onto his face, he studies his features to determine what Isaac wants, how he feels.

Ronan puts his long, pale fingers over Isaac’s shorter, brown fingers.

He’d promised himself to be more honest.

Isaac looks over at the contact and smiles, using his free hand to pat the top of Ronan’s. Ronan thinks for a beat, realises that he wants to kiss Isaac, feels the enormity of that realisation in the way the bottom of his stomach drops.

He looks around the rest of the seats, there are only a few people scattered around, too engrossed in the black and white images on the screen.

So he does it. He leans over and puts a light peck on Isaac’s cheek. Isaac doesn’t react, simply keeps looking at the screen. Ronan relaxes. ‘Good call’ he thinks.

“Um, dude? What was that?”

 _Shit_.

Isaac looks over at him, his expression bemused, not reflecting the emotion Ronan is sure is shown in his own, so he removes it; he shuts his emotions off and looks determinedly at the screen.

“Nothing. Just messing around, man.” His voice betrays him, his regret wraps around the words.

“Look it’s cool if you’re . . . y’know . . . but I’m just not into you like that. But like, you do you, I’m still happy to be friends.”

Ronan lets out a small, bitter laugh before getting out of his seat and pushing past Isaac.

He isn’t surprised when Isaac doesn’t come after him.

/ / /

Ronan is a hairsbreadth from Adam’s face. Doesn’t need to look at him anymore to know how he feels, what he wants.

“Do you want to kiss me?” Ronan asks, despite his surety in the answer, memories of past friends lost cause some trepidation to weave into the question.

“Yes.” Adam shows no trepidation. “Do you want to kiss me?” The question is pointless, the answer can be found in hundreds of moments in the months that have past.

“Yes.” Ronan lets all of the emotion he’s feeling come to the surface, lets the butterflies in his stomach reflect in the fluttering of his eyelashes as he looks into Adam’s eyes.

“I’m going to kiss you.”

“Please do.”

Adam does.

Ronan kisses him back.

Ronan’s seventeen-year-old fingers curl into Adam’s.

A silent promise to never let go.

 


	2. honesty

Naturally, the first person Ronan tells is Matthew.

They’re sitting on the sofa, Matthew reading a book, Ronan looking at the ceiling.

“Hey, Matthew?” Ronan feels the urge to flee growing stronger.

“Hi, Ronan,” Matthew looks up from his book, smiling enough to show his dimples, enough for Ronan to stop worrying.

Ronan turns his body to Matthew and looks him square in the eye. _When did it get so quiet?_

“I’m going to tell you something okay, I don’t want you to say anything afterwards but I just want you to know.” He looks at Matthew, waiting for a response.

“Oh, you want me to talk now?” He laughs before he realises the seriousness in Ronan’s face and then simply nods his head reassuringly.

Ronan takes in a breath and then, “I’m gay.”

Matthew nods again.

“You know what that means, right?” Ronan asks, unnerved by Matthew’s reaction, or lack thereof.

Matthew points to his mouth, _can I talk?_

“Yeah.”

“It means you fall in love with guys instead of girls. That’s it. You’re still the exact same person. Were you really that worried about telling me?” His expression is sincere, full of nothing but love. Ronan looks away sheepishly, wondering why he thought this would be any different. He’s the one to nod this time.

“And you think you’re good at reading people,” he laughs, “I still love you, bro.” Matthew reaches over to Ronan and hugs him. Ronan holds him for as long as he can.

/ / /

Next is his mother.

This time he really isn’t worried, more relieved that he won’t have to hide it from her anymore.

Aurora is standing in the kitchen, a cup of tea in hand as she looks out the window. Ronan walks in and stands next to her.

“Just FYI, mom, I'm not going to be bringing any girls home for your approval.”

“Hmm. And why is that?” She looks at Ronan now.

He looks back at her and says, “because I'm more into guys.”

“Yes.” She puts her cup down and places her hands on Ronan’s shoulders and kisses his forehead.

She turns back to look out of the window, to the forest in the distance. “I’m happy you’re starting to learn who you are, sweetheart.”

It’s acceptance but it sounds like there's something she isn’t saying.

_Starting to learn. ___

What else was there to know?

Maybe she means the part of Ronan that’s hidden from his reach, from his understanding. Only showing itself when he dreams and feels wholly put together, when he wakes up and the scent of the forest fills his nostrils.

He puts his hand to where his mother had kissed him and smiles.

/ / /

Ronan just wants to get Declan out of the way. He knows it isn’t going to go as smoothly as it did with Matthew and his mother.

He opens Declan’s bedroom door and waits for him to look at him.

“Why are you in my room?” Declan asks, irritation obvious.

Ronan grits his teeth. “I have something to tell you.”

“Great.”

“I’m gay.”

Declan looks at him, bringing his hand to his chin in mock contemplation.

“What?” Ronan asks, ready to leave now that it’s out in the open.

“Oh, nothing. Just thinking whether it’ll be another way for you to ruin our family’s reputation or if it’s another reason for you be to everyone’s favourite.” Declan turns back to his laptop, ignoring Ronan’s presence.

“Fuck you.” Ronan puts as much venom in the words as he can before he slams the door.

/ / /

The day Ronan plans to tell his father, he finds him beaten to death in the driveway.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is the second time i've ever written fic and the first time i've finished/posted so this is suitably bad.  
> i figured i spent 3 hours on this so i might as well post it.  
> thanks for reading this ooc trash!!!  
> [my tumblr](http://astrxeus.tumblr.com/)


End file.
